Alone and lonely.

Its been 8 and half months since I left my home and joined TCS, but never in these eight and a half months I have felt so depressing as I am feeling right now, sitting in front of this lappy and no one here to talk to. It is raining outside, I have nowhere to go, perhaps never in my life I have felt so lonely, and to reduce this loneliness I am writing continuously talking to myself so as to take my mind away from this feeling, so that’s the reason for so many posts in little interval.


You know it’s the bitter truth of life, no matter what happens, who you are, there will always be times when no will be there for you to talk to you to make you feel comfortable, to show you the sense of security and those times will always be worst times of your life. Those are times when you hurt your closest buddies, when you do something which makes you fall to level you have never been. I don’t know whether I will be able to come out of this depression or not, but one thing is sure that its been the worst day after such a long time for me.


I don’t think I am going to write any more posts now.

A day will come for sure.

Well this is an original one penned down by me.

A day will come for sure,

When I will stop being sad,
When I will get what I want,
When I will be impeccable,
When no one will say I am possessive,

A day will come for sure,
When I will stop being bad,
When I will not be subjected to taunts,
When I will achieve what is implausible,
When no one will say I am obsessive,


A day will come for sure,
When I will stop being mad,
When I will have a vast knowledge to flaunt,
When my life will be stable,
When no will say I am irresponsive,


A day will come for sure,
When I will only be glad,
When my foes will not be there to a haunt,
When my life’s story would be a fable,
When I will not be pensive,


A day will come for sure,
When I will have all this,
Only then I will say I had had my life's bliss.

Expectations and Suffering!

What do we understand by expectation? If you search for literal meaning of this word on internet you will get an answer. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. If something happens that is not at all expected and you like it, it is a surprise. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment and you will suffer.

“What we anticipate seldom occurs, what we least expected generally happens.”

As lord Buddha stated “that suffering is an inherent part of existence; that the origin of suffering is ignorance and the main symptoms of that ignorance are attachment, craving and expectations.” Everyone expects something from someone and on not getting it there is a sense of disappointment. Expectation is an integral human emotion and if you say you don’t expect then I would say that you are not humane.


I am good with someone if he/she is good to me, and I am not talking about love over here. Even in love people say that it’s about giving and not expecting, I will be blunt and say to those that go and talk to the one who didn’t get what he/she wanted in love, talk to those who failed in love even after giving everything to their lover. In love there are expectations, I would ask those who are love tell me don’t you expect your other half to love you the way you love him/her, isn’t there a craving that he/she should love you more than anyone else in this world, that my dear is expectation and nobody humane can say he/she doesn’t have any expectations.


When you are a kid you expect your parents to take care of you, pamper you, bring you things you want, you cry if your wishes are not fulfilled. As you grow you expect your friends to take your side is small brawls of school and college, you expect your teachers to give you good marks based on your conduct. In profession you expect your colleagues to help you out in case you are in an awkward situation. As a parent you expect your kids to fulfill your unfulfilled desires. And whenever you don’t get what you expect from other one you suffer the pain.


I expect a lot from people I care about, from my friends, and I do get disappointed and then suffer a lot on not getting what I want. I am possessive (refer to my post Possessive!!!!) and I expect a lot and that has caused me a lot of pain over the years, I cant say that I can stop being possessive but I can surely muster enough courage to say that I would stop expecting, and I no I am contradicting myself here as I said no one can say he doesn’t expect, I will say I will stop expecting a lot and will expect very less, that I think is possible.

Goal of life.

"All successful people have a goal. No one can get anywhere unless he knows where he wants to go and what he wants to be or do."

To be true I hadn’t set any goal in my life till last week, I am kind of flowing with the wind and don’t know where I am going. I am working in one of the biggest IT companies of the world but I am one of some thing like a hundred and fifty thousand. I don’t know where I will be after 10 years, I have plans but they are not concrete, my mind doesn’t remain stable on one thing, one day I want to do something and the very next day I am doing something else.


I will say that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth but it is not like that I have a family business for which my dad worked hard throughout his life and I will just get fruits of good will created by him. I have to do something to secure my future, my Dad has always been there whenever I needed something but what are the chances that I can be like him to my son. These lines are exactly what my dad told to me that he being a son of a farmer became a civil services officer, what I have accomplished if I have become an engineer being an officer’s son.


A few weeks back my dad asked me “munna where do you want to be in five years?” I said want to be at home doing nothing. He enquired what my plan is. I said no plans for now but if some how I get 10 million bucks I will be in Jammu for sure. He said “ok if I was to give to such a hefty sum right now what you will do?” I said I will deposit that in a bank and will live my life on interest I will receive from that sum. Anyone else would have given up then and there but since it’s my Dad he said “ok if its so, but what about social life. You will be having no colleagues and all your friends would be busy in their lives, they won’t have time on their hands like you.” I hesitated a bit; dad had asked me a tough one. But as you all know, I am an expert arguer, I replied “ek kiryana store khol lunga subah se shaam tak customers aayenge and I won’t get bored.” My Mom and Dad started laughing I don’t know for what? May be they thought I was witty or they thought I am stupid. But that really was my goal at that moment.


Then once again a few days after that, I visited a senior of mine and he asked me the same question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Being conscious of the response I got about my kiryana store plan I replied I want to set up an engineering college. He said where will you set it up? I said we have huge amount of land in my ancestral village at a distance of 16 km from Jammu. I felt that I have tactfully ended this discussion but it was not to be. What really followed was a volley of tough questions, like you know how much money is required, how much time it will take to get the accreditation, and how much time it will take to get the classes started. I have made a fool of myself in front of him. But it was one of the goals I wanted to achieve at that time.


Last week at office just as I completed my work, my team mate in project asked the dreaded question, “Mukul what are your plans for the future?” Thinking inside my heart that he must be asking for the three holidays we are having I replied nothing much will watch some movies and hang out with friends. But as luck would have it he was asking about the long term future, so I have to set another goal within a few moments so that I can answer his query. But I knew I have to get out of this very quickly so this time around instead of telling him where I would be in 5 years I decided to tell him what I want to be at the end of my life. I said “Well I would like to be known as some one who was always ready to help, was jovial, and above all loved his mom.” And yeah I succeeded. No more questions were asked from his side. He was kind of dumbstruck due to reply I gave.


But still the question remains what is my goal? I would say I want to a civil services officer and that’s going to be my goal till I achieve it. I am going to work hard to achieve it. I hope I will achieve it.

PS: But about not being corrupt I can’t give you a word. I think I will be corrupt ;).

Possessive!!!!

"Among your negative tendencies is creating jealousy or suspicion on purpose or being obsessive or possessive."

Well I wrote this post around 4-5 days back but was not able to amass enough guts to post it but after a lot of thinking I think it’s perfectly fine to make it public.


POSSESSIVE - The word we come across many a times in our daily life. Generally we say Young children are so possessive they will not allow others to play with their toys. But is that so? Is it only the young who are possessive and is it that possessiveness is to do with some toys or things only? Well to be true I personally feel that everyone in this world is possessive about one thing or another. What in reality causes this possessiveness? Fear of losing the thing you care for more than anything else is greatest cause of person being possessive. And still being possessive is much better than being obsessive (that’s my personal opinion).


I am possessive about my friends sometimes to the extent that I feel insecure that I may loose them to some one else, although they know this and they do everything to make me comfortable but I think one day I will be alone due to this nature of mine because no one can handle a possessive fellow. I do act like a loser many a times. What generally causes this feeling? Hmmm…I am kind of brusque and straightforward in my talks. I say things to people on their faces and that doesn’t help. I have more foes than friends in this world and when someone whom I consider my friend even talks to any of my foe I feel like I have been ditched by my friend, I don’t know why but I don’t feel comfortable with the fact that my friend is even talking to a person whom I hate. I always follow what my friends say to me blindly but some how couldn’t muster courage to order them anything, there is always something in my mind that what will happen if they refuse, no one other than me will be hurt the most.


I don’t know how to end this post but it’s my request to all my readers I don’t want you people to be diplomatic and if you people don’t like me being like that just tell me directly. And for my friends, I don’t want to hurt any of you with this post of mine , it is what I always try to convey to you my dears that i am possessive and I have been like this always. You people are my only support and without you I will be alone for sure, and my life wouldn’t be that easy as you know there are so many people out there who don’t like me. Love you all.

Gareeb Rath !!....not too Gareeb though

I was on vacation enjoying my stay in Jammu when I got a call from office, mukul you need to report to abc location on Monday. Since it was Friday I thought of booking a ticket by tatkal for Sunday evening. But as luck would have it, even tatkal quota tickets were not available. Thinking about what to do my friend told me about the Gareeb rath which goes from Jammu to Delhi on each Saturday.


My first thoughts on this suggestion were who in this world names a train gareeb rath? Traveling by train is not at all cheap although much less compared to air travel it is still expensive if you want to travel via AC. I cursed my luck as I have to travel in gareeb rath. While booking my ticket I came to know that this gareeb rath is fully AC, no non-AC coaches, and cost of ticket is also significantly less than the ticket in other trains. But still lots of permutations and combinations were going on in my mind about the name, I thought may be the AC will not be that cool or the seating may be incommodious, and the weirdest one which I thought was that may be the train will be full of people whom we consider gareeb or as we say in jammu “BAAGDI (बागडी)”. It was kind of strange and even funny to tell someone that I am going to Delhi by gareeb rath. When anyone asked which train I was taking I said “8 bje wali train ;)”.


Finally I arrived at station, Dad dropped me at the entrance of Rly station and with a feeling of “whats going to happen now” I proceeded. Train was on the platform or as they announced “Delhi jammu gareeb rath is scheduled for departure within 5 minutes”. By its outward appearance it looked more like an army vehicle for its color was green instead of usual brown maroon reddish whatever [PS:I am not color blind], the thing is that it was not the usual color you associate with a train. It didn’t take me long to find my seat. From inside everything was similar to other trains. And I was not able to find any gareeb (present if any) in there. So the train started at right time and I kind of settled into journey mode within few minutes, plugging my headphones to my ears started listening to the music.


As I started feeling sleepy around 10 o’clock I was waiting for the coach helper to deliver me blanket and the bedding. As I looked around I saw a man carrying these things, I was kind of assured that I will soon get it. But it was not to be, a few minutes later I saw another man with these then another and finally a women with blanket and bedding. It was kind of weird, so first thing I did is to send an SMS to the friend who suggested me this train inquiring about this. I got to know that in gareeb rath we don’t get blanket and bedding but we have to get it issued by paying a fee of Rs 25. So I got it issued. So leaving the color of the train and this blanket being issued I didn’t see much of a difference in gareeb rath and other trains.


But this is not any other train it is gareeb rath, as this gareeb rath crossed Jallandar around 12 what happened was kind of first for me in train travel. There was complete blackout in all the coaches of the train and it took 3-4 minutes for power supply to resume, so in a way train did show me that why it is named gareeb rath ;). But in the end I will say that gareeb rath is unlike its name.