A fit of depression

“hazaaron khwahishen aisi ke har khwahish pe dum nikle

bahot nikle mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikle”

(Thousands of desires, each worth dying for...many of them I have realized...yet I yearn for more)

Its not that I am not getting anything, but thing is that I am getting what I don’t want and not getting what I want leading to yearning for the things I want and frustrated with the things I have. Yeah!! My mind is confused like the previous line. It’s simple to say not to be frustrated with what you can’t change but difficult to execute. No one can be in situation in which I am and no one other than me is the reason for all this, but now I can’t do anything and its not in my hand anymore but I really don’t know In whose hands is all this?

I have been listening to this ghazal of Mirza Ghalib sung by Jagjit Singh for 3 hours and it’s getting on my nerves now. Another line which sounds familiar, although this links to something else and not related to the frustration.

“mohabbat mein nahin hai farq jeenay aur marnay ka

usi ko dekh kar jeetay hain, jis kaafir pe dam nikle”

(When in love, there is little difference between life and death…we live by looking at the one for whom we are willing to die)

Tag - Revisited

Trying a tag after a long time on recommendation of fellow blogger. I needed to write three things which describe me best for each category. I thought it wouldn't be easy and I was right it was very tough and took me almost 4 hours to complete. No worries though because time is something which I have in plenty :P.

So here is it:

I am

ü       Talkative.

ü       Impatient.

ü       Witty.

I want

ü       My personal library containing all the books I want to read as well those which I don’t want to.

ü       To earn enough money so that I can stop working.

ü       To go to Germany.

I have

ü       A large collection of Tazzos, Rs 5 Coins and Cricketer cards.

ü       Low specific heat so I become angry too quick as well as calm down very quickly too.

ü       A very strong memory.

I wish

ü       I can be as successful as my Dad.

ü       I can go on a world tour within few years.

ü       Sachin never retires and keeps on scoring all those runs.

I hate

ü       Waiting.

ü       Liars, but that doesn’t mean I don’t lie ;).

ü       When someone takes my anger for granted, that only makes me more angry.

I fear

ü       My death.

ü       Losing the ones who care for me.

ü       Voldemort but so does everyone but his end is near, I think 15^th July.

I hear

ü       All kinds of music with no particular favorites.

ü       The voice of person while I am reading the mail from them like the way it happens in movies.

ü       One song over and over again.

I search

ü       Movies on IMDB that I can watch.

ü       For a master plan that will help me in fulfilling my wishes.

ü       Funny blog posts.

I wonder

ü       How easily people talk to the person they don’t like at all.

ü       Why people always see a relation between boy and girl in only one sense?

ü       Why am I not able to eat properly in company of unknown people.

I regret

ü       That I stopped swimming after doing that for 2 consecutive years.

ü       I can’t tell my dear ones what my wish is, kind of always follow what they say to me.

ü       Joining IT industry (this feeling may change in the days to come :P).

I love

ü       Chocolates.

ü       My family

ü       Making my friends happy.

I always

ü       Burn my tongue whenever I have tea/coffee or any other hot beverage, so to be on safer side I avoid them.

ü       Reach my office early but don’t start to work before the actual start time ;).

ü       Try to watch the movie on the very first weekend it is released.

I ache

ü       When I am misunderstood.

ü       When I don’t get my daily 4 hours nap.

ü  When I see children begging.

I usually

ü       Go to sleep at 3 AM in the morning

ü       Say Yes to everything.

ü       Like to text than to talk on phone.

I am not

ü       The one who can easily mix up with people.

ü       The one who can be kept quiet for long durations.

ü       Good at witty writing, something which I want to be.

I dance

ü       never

ü       never

ü       never…too conscious to dance.

I sing

ü       Sometimes when I am alone.

ü       When I am driving.

ü       When I am listening to songs.

I never

ü       Say no to my dear ones.

ü       Listen to advices once I decide to do something.

ü       Study for exams

I rarely

ü       Forget, and if I say forgot it means I am just lying.

ü       Miss any match in which Sachin is playing.

ü       Am serious.

I cry

ü       When I am frustrated.

ü       In front of very few people.

ü       When my dad is angry is with me.

I am not always

ü       In mood for fun.

ü       Interested in what other person is talking although I may look like that.

ü       Online, but all my friends think I always am.

I lose

ü       My cool pretty quickly.

ü       My handkerchiefs all the time.

ü       My weight very easily, only to gain it again.

I’m confused

ü       About my career.

ü       About the fact that why am I writing this post.

ü       About what should I write here.

I should

ü       Try to sleep early.

ü       Learn German language soon.

ü       Join a gym to exercise regularly.

I dream

ü       Of getting all my wishes fulfilled soon.

ü       Of not going to work at all.

ü       Of settling in some foreign country.

Algorithm to earn handsomely in IT

If you ask someone who is not associated with IT industry, their opinion about the IT professionals (9 out of 10 times) will be is that they get paid handsomely. But as we all know grass is always greener on the other side, the real truth is only known to guy like me who works in this industry. IT industry corrupts young, intelligent students and turns them into hardened, cold-blooded money making machines; although I am waiting for the day I'll become one (who doesn't want money? :D).

                                                        Picture Source: Internet

But nothing happens in a flash, it takes time. The journey from a fresher to money making machine is a 5 step process and an individual never wants to go to fifth stage until he reaches there. Following is the Algorithm, the work-plan, the master-plan:

Denial: When an individual just out of college joins his dream organization, he denies everything bad said to him about IT Industry. He won’t hear anything against his organization, turns deaf to any words of caution from his seniors. Even if he sees some one known to him suffering in this industry he will not accept and will see the known one as the cause of all that.

“Nothing bad can happen to me.”;

“I am the brightest brain in my college that’s why I have been picked.”

Anger: Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue anymore. He is now angry with himself, with his college, with everyone who said anything remotely good about the organization he joined.

“Why me? It's not fair!”;

“How can this happen to me?”;

 “Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow go out of this industry; he tries everything, Higher education entrance exams, Public sector exams, interviews in other organizations. He tries to change himself, tries to study which he hasn’t done since the day he got placed in his dream organization.

“I will do anything to leave this industry.”;

“I don’t want money, I want satisfaction doing my work.”

Depression: During the fourth stage, the individual begins to understand the fact that he is now stuck in this organization for life. Because of this he tries to work hard so as to achieve something from the job in hand but due to the fact that its too late now he fails to achieve the wanted results. This process allows the individual to get disconnected from his dear ones

“I am so bad at getting things completed, why bother with anything.”;

“I will not get the desired appraisal no matter how hard I work.”

Acceptance: In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with his situation, he is now much stronger and ready to face anything, he is now like one of those whom he hated when he entered this organization. He becomes the true IT guy, disconnected from his loved ones and ready to pounce on any opportunity which he sees. He is no more human, he becomes a machine ready to do anything which his supervisor wants him to do.

“I can't fight them, I may as well become like them.”

I don't know at which stage I am right now but I really don't want to be at 5th stage ever but isn't that something we already know ;)



PS: This post of mine is inspired by The five stages of dying

Aromas

Why the hell people don’t use deodorants? Recently I had the misfortune of being in the company of people who were sweating profusely, had not used any deodorant & were ready to latch on to any chance provided to them to spread the shitty smell of their sweat to the people close to them, physically close. When you are subjected to such an aromatic torture, it’s a curse to have a strong sense of smell.

I was traveling in a Metro and it was peak hour, there was absolutely no place to move around left in there and then there were people who wanted to share their body odors with the world. I think in those 30 minutes I may have broken the Guinness record of holding on to number of successive breaths for long durations i.e. I think I took only 3-4 breaths in those 30 minutes.

To distract myself from breathing I started thinking some really weird things when I was going through those 30 minutes of olfactory torture, when my life hung in balance:

• If some one enters into the metro wagon with a gun and shouts “Hands up”. What will cause more casualties, not following that order or following that?
• Can prolonged exposure to such smells cause mutations? If yes then, we may have the first class of X-men here in New Delhi soon; after all we have long and humid summers here.
• How many deaths/or fainting in metro due to this will it take for Delhi Metro Rail Corporation to pass on a resolution to provide every metro passenger with 5/10 ml of perfume upon entering the metro station?
• Can this odor be used to induce forced coma or at-least as a replacement for Anesthesia? It did left my olfactory lobe senseless for an hour or so.
• I seriously considered the thought of bringing a deodorant can with myself during my next metro ride so as to spray on anyone who is torturing the olfactory lobes. That can be considered as social service; many people will be saved this way.

When the people from other countries say that Indians smell bad, they really are correct; I don’t know why people here are not conscious about their body odor, it should be the first thing they should notice unless they have Anosmia (No sense of smell).

Please use a deodorant/talcum powder for others sake.

Say what you mean.

“Hi I am Anishka” she said,

“Hi I am Pranay” he replied.

That was the first communication she had with him. Anishka was thinking about it, it’s been four years since that day but she still remembered the details of that particular day vividly and it always brought a smile on her lips.

Everything started at this place in front of principal’s office.

It took her a full week to talk to Pranay again. Just a casual small talk, although she was very poor at those; she tried to strike a conversation.

“So Pranay, how is it going on?”

“Pretty well so far, would be great if you help me in these pre-requisites the newcomer has to fulfill”

“Oh! Let me help you in that”

And that’s how they became acquaintances. Pranay used to ask for her help in case he faced any problems and she was always there to help him out. Soon they started talking daily and slowly their talks turned friendlier. Never a day went by when they didn’t communicate with each other. It was summer break when Anishka realized that she was really missing Pranay. She tried to contact him but there was no reply from his side, no mails, no messages nothing and that was what led to their first fight as soon as the college opened. They didn’t talk for a month.

Pranay finally called her up after a month, it took one long conversation, few tears and finally they were back to friendly terms. Soon started the regular long talks but they were more personal now at least that’s what Anishka tried to do so as know more about Pranay. Anishka knew she had fallen for him and she let Pranay had no idea about it. She is a good friend, that’s what he used to say and that’s how Anishka wanted their relation to be for that moment. She couldn’t gather enough will to let him know, what she felt for him, how she felt when he talked to some other girl in front of her, when he praised any of her college mate for her beauty, when he was upset. To her their friendship meant a lot and she didn’t want to jeopardize this relation with any complications.

Another year went by, they were now best of buddies but still nothing more than that. Anishka still kept her emotions for him to herself, anyone can tell looking at the way she acted when with Pranay that she was in love with him, but they always laughed off at such comments. Seldom did Pranay know about the emotions Anishka was carrying for him since first year. Sometimes Anishka thought she has committed the mistake of allowing someone to become a priority in her life while she was just an option in his’.

It was the end of third year, Anishka decided it was time she should let Pranay know about everything he meant to her. She called him up and asked him to meet her at the coffee shop near their college in the evening as she wanted to tell him something important about them. The coffee shop was the place where they have spent most of their evenings during last three years. She reached the place as decided and waited there for two hours but Pranay never came. This was the very reason she never wanted to tell him in first place, she wasn’t ready for a NO and she felt that him not coming there is an answer to her. She tried his number but he didn’t pick it up. At around 9 PM her phone rang, it was one of her classmates, she told Anishka that Pranay met with an accident and died due to head injuries. For a moment Anishka was blank, her world was shattered and afterwards she was inconsolable, it took her days to come out of news of shocking death of her best friend.

Later that month Pranay’s hostel roommate told Anishka that Pranay fell in love with her from the very first day but was afraid to tell her about his feelings and on the day he met with an accident he had actually gone to city to buy red roses for her as he decided to propose her on that day after her call. Anishka remembered she had once told Pranay that she would like his lover to propose her with a bunch of red roses in his hand. And now there was nothing she could do about it. She has to live with the bitter sweet memories of their relation only.

And today it was her last day in college; she was standing in front of principal’s office where she met Pranay for the first time. It's been a year since his death, tears rolled down her cheek and she could only hope that some one will come up to her and say “Hi I am Pranay”.

Sometimes it is good not to delay things, for life is too short so take chances - keep your friends - treat others the way you want to be treated, be who you are, say what you mean and mean what you say, laugh way too much, love without holding back, and live with no reserves, no retreats and no regrets.

Hope

Why do we hope for things for which we are sure that we won't have them. What is the factor which keeps us going, why do we hope that we will be able to defy odds and come out with flying colors in the end.

       

In motion picture "Harry Potter" there is a sequence in which Harry introspects why is he fighting against the Voldemort and then answers; because it is something worth fighting for, so sometimes we fight because somethings are worth fighting or worth dying for.

Hope is something which keeps one going, rising up each day and continuing the fight. At the same time hope is also something which can make you the greatest fool alive, because in the hope that one day you will achieve what you want you may do things which you wouldn't have done in case you have thought about the situation in a logical way. So hope in a way kills the logical you, Still they say that a person doesn't die when he actually dies; he dies when he looses the hope that he is going to live, once the hope is gone it means he has accepted death before it actually arrives that's like loosing a battle without fighting. Yes there is always a limit to what you can hope, I for myself can say that I hope too much and in order to achieve what I hope, I act pretty less and that leads to lot of depression and sadness, but the joy when what you hoped comes true is the greatest joy you can experience in your life, although i haven't had much of the success with my hopes but that can't stop me from hoping again and again and agian. I will end this with the following lines:

To love is to hope being loved in return, To try is to hope success and To hope is to risk pain but we do hope because the greatest hazard of life is to hope nothing.

aaj bhi hain pakde umeed ki dori, don't loose hope is the moral of the story

Believe in him

When the days become dark and dull,

You can’t focus your mind on anything,

It wanders; like a ship without hull.

And you can’t stop feeling,

That sea of sorrows will follow this lull.

When there is nothing in life you can vaunt,

With disappointment and failures your life is marred,

Praise from others feels like a taunt,

And even after trying so hard,

You can’t get what you want.

Hold your hands; go on your knees,

Prayer is simplest of all the tasks,

You don’t have to say please;

Be true and pure, that’s all he asks,

And believe in him because he sees.